i was really hoping to get some of our montessori activities up on the blog this week, but i have to be honest with you guys: we completed a few montessori activities at the beginning of the week but the latter part of the week mostly consisted of Gavin throwing massive temper tantrums.
we discovered that Gavin's molars are coming in, so that helps explain his change in mood...but aside from the teething situation, he throws a temper tantrum when we say he can't have something, when he wants to go outside but it's bedtime, when he wants ritz crackers for breakfast instead of yogurt and granola---in a nutshell: when he doesn't get what he wants. 18 months really snuck up on us.
so being the person that i am, i decided to do some extensive research on temper tantrums. i extensively researched the psychology of tantrums, ways to cope, etc etc. i'm the type of parent that feels a need to get informed. if i don't get educated on a matter that i'm dealing with, i feel like i'm not prepared, and if i don't feel prepared, i feel like i'm not armed and ready to handle the matter. so this is just the process that i
have to go through. without it i feel lost.
so. back to the matter at hand.
my research has lead me to the following conclusion: temper tantrums are normal. they're no fun (for both child and parent), but they're perfectly normal. in fact, tantrums are part of a child's development. a necessary evil, if you will. there are several approaches parents can take, but before i share the approach that we want to take, i'd like to share an excerpt from the article "What's behind a temper tantrum" from npr.org:
"...tantrums have two stages is incorrect," Potegal said. "In fact, the anger and the sadness are more or less simultaneous." Green and Potegal found that sad sounds tended to occur throughout tantrums. Superimposed on them were sharp peaks of yelling and screaming: anger.
The trick in getting a tantrum to end as soon as possible, Potegal said, was to get the child past the peaks of anger. Once the child was past being angry, what was left was sadness, and sad children reach out for comfort. The quickest way past the anger, the scientists said, was to do nothing. Of course, that isn't easy for parents or caregivers to do.
"When I'm advising people about anger, I say, 'There's an anger trap,"' Potegal said.
Even asking questions can prolong the anger — and the tantrum.
That's what parents Noemi and David Doudna of Sunnyvale, Calif., found. Their daughter Katrina once had a meltdown at dinnertime because she wanted to sit at one corner of the dining table. Problem was, the table didn't have any corners – it was round. When David Doudna asked Katrina where she wanted to sit, the tantrum only intensified.
"You know, when children are at the peak of anger and they're screaming and they're kicking, probably asking questions might prolong that period of anger," said Green. "It's difficult for them to process information. And to respond to a question that the parent is asking them may be just adding more information into the system than they can really cope with."
In a video of the tantrum that Noemi Doudna
posted on YouTube, Katrina's tantrum intensified to screaming, followed by the child throwing herself to the floor and pushing a chair against a wall.
"Tantrums tend to often have this flow where the buildup is often quite quick to a peak of anger," Green said.
Understanding that tantrums have a rhythm can not only help parents know when to intervene, but also give them a sense of control, Green said.
That's because, when looked at scientifically, tantrums are no different than thunderstorms or other natural phenomena. Studying them as scientific subjects rather than experiencing them like parents can cause the tantrums to stop feeling traumatic and even become interesting.
"When we're walking down the street or see a child having a tantrum, I comment on the child's technique," Potegal said. "[I] mutter to my family, 'Good data,' and they all laugh."
Noemi Doudna said she now looks back on Katrina's tantrums and sees the humor in them.
Katrina often demanded things that made no sense in the course of tantrums, Noemi Doudna said. She once said, "'I don't want my feet. Take my feet off. I don't want my feet. I don't want my feet!'"
When nothing calmed the child down, Noemi Doudna added, "I once teased her — which turned out to be a big mistake — I once said, 'Well, OK, let's go get some scissors and take care of your feet.'"
Her daughter's response, Noemi Doudna recalled, was a shriek: "Nooooo!!"
So here's our approach:
1. Ignore him/allow him to express the anger & sadness he needs to express.
2. Refrain from asking him questions such as: "What's wrong?" and "What do you want?"
3. Don't cater to him.
4. Stay calm.
5. Only address him when he has finally calmed down.
***if/when he throws a temper tantrum in public we plan on giving him a warning and if he doesn't comply we will then take him outside/somewhere where he can blow off steam and compose himself (such as a carseat).
that's our plan of action, but i gotta say: it's a tough one. especially for me. he's my baby and my go-to is to pick him up, kiss him, or soothe him---but i know that implementing these techniques will make our life a whole lot easier in the long run, AND it will teach him that tantrums get him no where. //do you have any tips for coping with a toddler's tantrums? comment below or shoot me an email! i'd love to hear from you//
